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Monday, April 18, 2005

We are all about education here at I Pretty Much Hate Everything.

If you do not find this list funny, you are on the wrong blog.

1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water.
2. The Cleveland Steamer - While receiving head from a woman, you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Hot Lunch)
3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka: watersports)
6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel - As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.
10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.
11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
13. The Bronco - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
17. Dirty Sanchez - While banging a girl doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on her upper lip, providing her a mustache.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.
20. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act where one person is forced to chow starfish with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, syrup, etc
24. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty fuck her.
25. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.
26. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you fart while humping, pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until all movement ceases.
27. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reacharound while getting your salad tossed. 36. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the turkey's chin.
28. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.
29. Rusty Anchor - After a healthy term of the Stovepiping, the recipient gets to enjoy a good fudgesicle.
30. Sandpiper - A stovepiping on the local beach, desert, or playground sandbox. Also known as the Sandblast.
31. Lucky Pierre - the middle man in a three way buttfuck. Also known as the French sandwich.
32. Tony Danza - a takeoff of the donkey punch is called the Tony Danza. When you are about to cum while doing a girl from behind, you say "who's the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says anything you shout "TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
33. The Houdini - this maneuver is accomplished while going at it doggy style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on the small of her back (making her think you've finished...). It's at the point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your load in her face (in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques down.) Also known as the Doug Hennings and the David Copperfield.
34.Snowball - this is after your partner gives you head and then when you cum in her mouth she attempts to make out with you.
35.Dirty Snowball - this is of the original snowball but instead of her trying to make out with you, she makes out with someone else.

posted by Torrie at Monday, April 18, 2005 |


Commented by Blogger Snickrsnack Katie:

That is heinous. Very heinous. I read some things that I hope are not permanently burned into my psyche forever. I may need to be hypnotized so I don't have nightmares for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that was purty funny!

2:11 PM 
Commented by Blogger Cindy:

umm....I might be at the wrong place...yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm lost.


2:32 PM 
Commented by Blogger Southern Fried Girl:

Some of those images are burned into my retinas now. Oh my. I forwarded it to my ex-boyfriend though. That is RIGHT UP HIS ALLEY. He will die laughing. :)

3:33 PM 
Commented by Blogger JessicaRabbit:

I want to know how many people actually try any of those moves that require the punching of someones head as a finishing move.

I wonder if those are the people we always see on Cops in those domestic calls, and that was what really went down before they got there cause man, if someone punches me in the head and screams Tony Danza, they are losing a testicle let me tell you...

4:53 PM 
Commented by Blogger Snickrsnack Katie:

I agree, Jessica Rabbit. I was sort of scared to think that there are people out there that would punch a chick in the head and scream Tony Danza. Or slam her head against a wall. I think that guy would be in dire need of a castration at that point. But hey, what better way to wake up on a Monday than with crude humor!

Torrie rocks!

5:53 PM 
Commented by Blogger Torrie:

The Houdini is my personal favorite.

6:18 PM 
Commented by Blogger Susie:

Torrie, torrie, torrie. What can I add to this discussion? OK, the Houdini? I once interviewed David Copperfield for a newspaper article. (runs for the door)

9:17 PM 
Commented by Blogger Torrie:

Susie, David Copperfield made me disappear once.
No shit.

9:20 PM 
Commented by Blogger Susie:

Ha! You made ME disappear once!

11:15 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:

I thought I knew it all. I was WRONG.

11:45 PM 
Commented by Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes:

Pearl necklace...
I've never asked Jim for jewelry before, but hmmmmm...

7:20 AM 
Commented by Blogger Greenthumb:

I'm going to have to reinvent a few of those...but good lord woman, how do you sleep at night or engage in sex without trepidation? LOL!!!

Torrie!!! You cracked me up...and for that I thank you.

1:34 PM 
Commented by Blogger Annejelynn:

okay - so I can't match a list like this one in any shape or form...I can't even try. I only found out what fisting and golden showers were when I was 24 (almost 25!) upon my moving to Las Vegas (no, I don't think my discovery had anything to do with my moving here - my adolescence was spent in IOWA and I came here after spending 2 yrs in Idaho and 4 yrs in PROVO UTAH!?) yes, you may pity me.

1:56 PM 
Commented by Blogger Whyme:

WOW! Educational and disturbing at the same time. Fantastic!

Great writing and pictures. Makes me smile.

10:32 PM 
Commented by Blogger Nina:

Well I thought I was educated, but realize I am not. I laughed at quite a few, but don't think I will admit it, or at least which ones had that effect.

12:59 PM 

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