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Sunday, July 10, 2005

What's grosser than gross?

During my husband's first year of medical school (about five years ago) a bunch of his college friends were in town(Boston) for the Harvard/Yale football game.
I worked all day while he went to the game with his friends. I met him and his friends at a bar/restaurant when I got off work.
By the time I met them they (with the exception of my husband) had been drinking for several hours.
The class clown of the group thought it would be funny if he got one of our friends who very rarely drinks, and can't hold her liquor, wasted. For anonymity's sake let's call her "Fallulah."
Shortly after I arrived I realized that the husband had never gone home and walked Dexter, who was about six months old at the time, and being crate trained. I wanted to kill him, but that is another story for another day.
Everyone was leaving to continue the party at the class clown's apartment. The husband and I had to go home and walk Dexter and Fallulah and our friend Joe decided to come along for the ride.
Now, before I go on to the next part of the story let me explain that the husband was driving, I was in the passenger seat, Fallulah was sitting behind me and Joe was sitting behind the husband.
Most of the twenty minute ride was great-lots of laughter. We asked Fallulah how she was feeling several times. She kept assuring us she was fine.
When we were about five blocks away from our apartment Fallulah started to make these weird gurgling sounds.
With practically no warning Fallulah started throwing up. Even though she had her seatbelt on she tried very hard to lean out the window. The problem? The window was closed. She was puking ON the window. Joe valiantly reached across her and pressed the button to roll the window down. The problem? They were child safety windows. They only went half way down. Joe now had puke on the sleeve of his jacket and Fallulah was still throwing up ON the window.
We pulled up to our apartment. Fallulah had stopped throwing up. We decided that I would take her inside and take care of her and the boys (who were both medical students and used to gross stuff) would clean the car.
I don't think anything could have prepared them for the horror that was our car. There was puke everywhere. It had even seeped into the door, so they would clean the window, roll it back down, roll it up again and there would be more vomit to clean.
Inside the apartment I was dealing with Fallulah. I stripped her vomit covered clothes off, gave her some pyjamas and put her on the couch. The husband came into the apartment to get Dexter. He let him out of the crate and realized he had peed in the crate. He started cleaning the crate.
During this time I was trying to change out of my work clothes and into some sweats so that I could help with the clean up effort.
At some point Joe came into the apartment.

Let's recap.
Fallulah is lying on the couch.
The husband is cleaning up the crate.
Dexter is running around covered in pee.

I was standing in the bathroom trying to get dressed. I've only managed to get my sweatpants on. The door to the bathroom is open. Joe walks over to the bathroom door (no big deal, most of my friends have seen me naked) and says to me in a very calm voice "Fallulah is throwing up again."
I run out to the living room and see the most horrific scene I've ever seen, to this day.
Fallulah was still lying on the couch. Dexter (covered in pee) was on top of her eating vomit off of her chest. She had vomited on this little metal folding table that was next to the couch. The table has all these little holes in it. There had been pictures on the table. The pictures were covered in vomit and vomit was dripping through the holes in the table.
Joe gets Dexter off of Fallulah and I bring her into the bathroom. I strip off her clothes (again) and throw them in the bathtub (again). I then realize that she has vomit in her hair. I decided that she needs a shower. I wrap her in a towel and sit her on the toilet bowl. I take all of the vomit clothes and throw them in a trash bag (gagging the whole time). She starts vomiting in the sink. I can't take it anymore. I vomit a little bit in the sink too. (friends who vomit together, stay together) I turn the water on and put Fallulah in the shower. I'm standing there, topless, trying to wash the vomit out of Fallulah's hair. There are French fries and other unidentified food floating in the water. Joe is right outside the bathroom in the hallway. He is on his hands and knees trying to scrub the vomit out of our couch cushions.
He looks up at me, as I struggle to keep Fallulah upright, and he says
"You guys should totally shower together."

Men- no matter what the circumstances, they only have one thing on their mind.

posted by Torrie at Sunday, July 10, 2005 |


Commented by Blogger Whyme:

Just reading that made me want to vomit. I can not handle puke.

Men! Why does that NOT surprise me at all????

BTW, tell great stories.

10:22 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:

I agree - you tell a great story! It wasn't a good time for me to hear it, since I'm currently trying not to throw up my dinner. I might... urp... have to do that anyway.

11:26 PM 
Commented by Blogger Caroline:

Oh my god. I'll be curled up in the fetal position over in the corner if anybody needs me...

11:45 PM 
Commented by Blogger Nilbo:

Did I miss something? What ... was there a problem with the whole showering together idea? Is the shower too small? What?

12:19 AM 
Commented by Anonymous Anonymous:

Oh, Good LORD, that is nasty! A story for the legends ...


8:45 AM 
Commented by Anonymous kalki:

"You guys should totally shower together."?! Ha! (And Nilbo, you crack me up.)

Great story - thanks for sharing! I think.

9:27 AM 
Commented by Blogger Circus Kelli:

Wow. Ew ew ew and wow.

I guess I should have stopped at the title, seeing as how I was eating breakfast...

9:38 AM 
Commented by Anonymous New Blue Shoe:

Every single time you tell that story, Torrie (Story Torrie!), I want to vomit.


And now it's up there forever. Eff.

10:38 AM 
Commented by Blogger the niffer:

What a great story. So not surprised about the showering comment. He's probably still wondering why you didn't jump at the chance when you had it.

I think the capper for me was Dexter ON Fallulah eating the puke. Sure, dogs eat puke, but Dex, I think you crossed the line.

12:37 PM 
Commented by Blogger song:

I have a story like that, but I was the vomitee, not the cleaner-upperer. You sure do tell it well though.

Now I am going to go to sleep and dream of dexter eating vomits... urgh.

12:50 PM 
Commented by Blogger Lazy Lightning:

WOW. That's intense!

1:09 PM 
Commented by Blogger snaps79:

I can't do puke either. I could do cut off finger, shitty diaper, bullet wound, but don't show me puke. And, don't let me smell puke. I HATE puking and avoid it at all costs. A girlfriend of mine did some throwing up in her other friend's car a few weeks ago. I'm pretty sure the car still stinks. How did you get the smell out?

1:17 PM 
Commented by Blogger Torrie:


I nearly vomited because of it several times.

1:29 PM 
Commented by Blogger Annejelynn:

this sounds like a series of movie scenes

2:32 PM 
Commented by Blogger Annejelynn:

I'm still chuckling over this horror story - the last line just kills!

2:33 PM 
Commented by Blogger Susie:

I would've been puking long before you did; but I still laughed through this story. It's the kind of story that's good to read, but you surely wouldn't want to live.

3:01 PM 
Commented by Blogger Circus Kelli:

The proverbial bright side:
The next day or two probably seemed like a 'cake walk' compared to that fiasco.

I used to have a stronger stomach, but the last couple of times my kids have been sick, I've almost succumbed as well... bleh...

3:22 PM 
Commented by Blogger JessicaRabbit:

Ok I came here last night but when I saw the warning I decided to skip this story right before bed and come back to it, my boyfriend however, upon being told you had posted about something gross, rushed in here like a schoolboy and read the whole thing. Then he came to bed and laid next to me going, Oh my god, I just read the grossest thing ever. Oh my god. I said, dont you dare tell me, I am waiting til later thank you very much. He laid there saying oh my god for about 15 more minutes. Well done. And Im glad I waited. Ew.

3:42 PM 
Commented by Blogger Ern:

Oh, my gosh, that is hysterical! It just keeps getting more and more circus-like! Very, very well told. I blove you!

4:12 PM 
Commented by Blogger Lasadh:

Had I been there, I would've SO taken a pic of the pee-covered dog eating puke off your friend's chest. After puking a little myself, of course. Priceless.

4:32 PM 
Commented by Blogger Greenthumb:

Talk about a nightmare come to life. You tell it well, too well, I almost threw up in my mouth a little. He! He! He!


7:37 PM 
Commented by Blogger Southern Fried Girl:

Two things - you describe things in your stories so well that I feel as though I was there and you are one hell of a good friend.

10:08 PM 
Commented by Blogger Jack's Raging Mommy:

Oh, I laughed so much. Thank you for that story!
There was one year at the dorms that somehow I ended up cleaning up all the drunk freshmen. One guy puked from one end of the hall to the other, and then all over the TV lounge. Another I had to put in swimming trunks and get in the shower with him. That was about the time I decided to stop partying with freshmen.

10:38 PM 
Commented by Blogger Kate:

That was so damn funny I had to read it twice. You are a seriously nice friend. I don't think I like anyone enough to clean up puke. Maybe my husband. MAYBE.

3:30 AM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:

WHOA! That is fucked up. You totally made me feel like I was in that bathroom with you.
Good god woman! I thought I had some good drunk stories.

10:20 AM 
Commented by Blogger Squirl:

As everyone else has already said, great story-telling. And, you're right, this is Bucky's kind of story. I hope she gets power to her computer soon so she can enjoy this post.

11:25 AM 
Commented by Blogger Candace:

Yeah, that was seriously gross, but funny nonetheless!

12:12 PM 
Commented by Blogger Amy:

This was too funny to read about! I felt very sorry for you there, though, in that bathroom with the floating frites and the metal table. UGH. You are the invomitable throwfriend.

4:39 PM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:

My first thought, throw BOTH the drunk AND the dog in the shower together.

I'm all about ' Gettr' done! '

1:54 PM 
Commented by Blogger Effie:

I had to see who won the Charlotte's cookie contest and now I know why! I am trying so hard not to laugh too hard or too loud--this is absolutely hilarious--and definitely where a man's brain is most of the time.....
Thank you for the smile, even though I'm a little behind the times...I have to rank this story up there with "Booty Flies" by Susie!!!

9:22 AM 
Commented by Anonymous Anonymous:

I just found your blog after looking up 'I HATE living with my in-laws'. It's a particularly seriously crappy day and I thank you for making this day seem like the sunniest time of my life! The dop eating puke - EEWWW!!! I did laugh insanely though.

6:21 PM 

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