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Monday, October 10, 2005

Sweet dreams

I love my husband. I really do. But, there's something about him that really annoys the shit out of me; His ability to sleep.

First of all, he falls asleep about five seconds after his head hits the pillow. I, on the other hand lie there for an eternity trying to push all of the thoughts of the day out of my head, tossing and turning, while a cat sleeps on my head.

Once he is asleep he likes to further torture me with the following tactics:

Step one- Blow tufts of air out of his big pillowey lips, which makes a little sound. It's almost as bad as Chinese water torture.

Step two- Bend knees, feet flat on the bed. Due to the fact that he is sleeping, his legs begin to sway back and forth.

It is at this point that I sweep kick his legs which simultaneously stops the leg swaying and the lip sounds.

He wakes up, changes position, and falls right back to sleep with no memory of my military tactics.

I finally fall asleep only to be woken repeatedly by the dog having a dream, or the baby next door crying, or one of the cats standing outside my bedroom door screaming because she hasn't eaten in a whole TWO HOURS.

Come on people. I'm STARVING out here.

The husband, of course, sleeps through all of this.

Bastard.

posted by Torrie at Monday, October 10, 2005 |

14 Comments:

Commented by Blogger Fuzzball:


Don't worry. When I get there you'll be able to jump out of bed, run into the guest room, jump on the bed and demand that I entertain you.

...that sounded a little different in my head. I hope Jordan doesn't get the wrong idea. Hm.


12:12 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Illegally Blonde:


In my relationship, I'm the one who sleeps peacefully - L is the insomniac!


12:27 PM 
Commented by Blogger Lasadh:


Damn those easy sleepers! Damn them all!


1:16 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:


The noise my husband's breathing makes sometimes sounds like a baby crying. I've been on the verge of getting out of bed to check on Bug on many occasions before realizing it's just him.

I love the military tactics!


1:43 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Hil:


My husband feels the same way about me...I immediately fall asleep and "breathe deeply". He said it sounds like I'm sighing all night long and he can't stand it. He resorts to the "military tactics" and pushes me over. I wake in the morning, unaware of all of this. I tell him, "If you'd just sleep at night instead of listening to me, then we wouldn't have this problem..." He isn't amused.


2:51 PM 
Commented by Blogger afdalieuroiuf:


um, yes. hi. too freakin' cute. that is all.

(p.s. i had to type in "xeezbr" to post my comment. reminds me, for some reason, of zebra. zebra. zeeeeeeeebraaaa. neat word.)


9:49 PM 
Commented by Anonymous lawbrat:


You could always stuff his mouth with a sock, duct tape his legs..and arms for good measure, then take a shot of nyquil, and your All. Good.

I hear ya, I'm a VERY light sleeper, and I can hear the kids in the next room, when they aren't kicking me out of my own bed.


8:02 AM 
Commented by Anonymous kalki:


The breathing sound would drive me nuts!!!


10:12 AM 
Commented by Anonymous Amanda B.:


My husband does a very similiar routine. Why DO guys fall asleep so easily??


11:21 AM 
Commented by Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes:


Two words: shock collar.


6:21 PM 
Commented by Blogger Nilbo:


Listen to Bucky. She knows of what she speaks. I still have the rash from the collar. I'm not sure what HER rash is from ...


11:20 PM 
Commented by Blogger Southern Fried Girl:


Two more words:

ear plugs.

They are the ONLY way my husband has survived many a night.


10:58 AM 
Commented by Blogger goldmoon:


I think I'm sleeping with your husband. HA! That came out wrong!!! I meant, my husband does the exact same thing, but add in horrible, alien-sounding burp-snores. Uuurrrgghhh.


9:04 PM 
Commented by Blogger Odie - Odysseus of the Doggie World:


Oh, I can totally relate to this. In fact, I will make my husband read this! Ha ha...


1:05 AM 

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